It is 2:30AM and time for todays blog. Todays blog, seeing as I need to make a pit stop and really shouldn't be typing, will be short and sweet.
I would like to introduce a series called "Everybody has a price", where I query about how far some people would go for money with bizarre scenarios.
Scenario is...
Dip your manhood in a bucket of trout blood then shake it in the face of a bald eagle for 30 seconds. You will be compensated for any medical bills, paramedics are standing by.
Name your price.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Masturbation
Spanking the monkey, jacking off, whacking off, playing with yourself, whatever you want to call it. We all do it, we all try new things, and it can be dangerous. I figure if I can save just 1 person who may, by chance, one day, try one of the following things from the pain of doing so, I will have done my job.
First I will bring up the idea of hair conditioner/body wash. Its there in the shower. Who hasn't whacked off in the shower? But have you thought about maybe getting creative with the various bottles in the shower? Hopefully not. But for those who have, be forewarned. You are going to run into 1 of two situations ideally. Either all the holes are too small and you can't find anything bigger, or you fit into one. The danger comes if you fit into one, but barely. Or you aren't at full attention going in and now you're stuck. I have found that all the tugging you can do will be to no avail, and you'll also make a ton of suspicious noise. The best solution to this situation is to man up and set 'er down on the toilet bowl and slam the seat down on it. Yes, it is as painful as it sounds, but erection is gone in no time and you can put the body wash back on the shelf and return to life as a seemingly normal human being.
Next issue, hand sanitizer. I know in my house at least its sitting right there next to the computer. This is NOT to be used as lube. EVER. It goes on great...until it gets near your pee-hole, then it burns like you have been stricken with a sudden and unpleasant STD. No, your right hand hasn't been sleeping around, but rather thats the fact that there is rubbing alcohol inside the sanitizer, and your tally-whacker is full of dirty things. Flush it with water. Its not going to fall off, I promise. If you're adventurous try it for yourself, otherwise, heed my warning.
Forewarned is forearmed. Heed my warnings.
First I will bring up the idea of hair conditioner/body wash. Its there in the shower. Who hasn't whacked off in the shower? But have you thought about maybe getting creative with the various bottles in the shower? Hopefully not. But for those who have, be forewarned. You are going to run into 1 of two situations ideally. Either all the holes are too small and you can't find anything bigger, or you fit into one. The danger comes if you fit into one, but barely. Or you aren't at full attention going in and now you're stuck. I have found that all the tugging you can do will be to no avail, and you'll also make a ton of suspicious noise. The best solution to this situation is to man up and set 'er down on the toilet bowl and slam the seat down on it. Yes, it is as painful as it sounds, but erection is gone in no time and you can put the body wash back on the shelf and return to life as a seemingly normal human being.
Next issue, hand sanitizer. I know in my house at least its sitting right there next to the computer. This is NOT to be used as lube. EVER. It goes on great...until it gets near your pee-hole, then it burns like you have been stricken with a sudden and unpleasant STD. No, your right hand hasn't been sleeping around, but rather thats the fact that there is rubbing alcohol inside the sanitizer, and your tally-whacker is full of dirty things. Flush it with water. Its not going to fall off, I promise. If you're adventurous try it for yourself, otherwise, heed my warning.
Forewarned is forearmed. Heed my warnings.
A re-cap of the Redding Airshow. God's Airshow.
For probably the 200th time in the past few months someone has told me to start a blog. So I did. At 2AM sitting here in the Kitchen in my birthday suit to everyone's dismay. One of the advantages of being the only one awake in the house. Anyway. Like I said its 2AM and there is way too much in this head of mine to narrow the blog down to one topic. Redding Airshow. Ok boom, did it.
On Saturday September 26, I spent maybe 15 minutes sitting at my gate at work rolling my eyes while a fine citizen of Redding took the 30 minute delay of his flight as an opportunity to lecture me on why Redding needs jet service. I informed the guy the plane he was on had 30 seats yet United was only able to sell 20. He insisted, more or less demanded I should say, that we start flying 737s to Redding, or at least CRJs. Never mind you that the 737s will be gone October 28th, and that some the 50 seat CRJs are close to 20 years old and Horizon flies brand new Q400s with 76 seats into Redding. Oh no, the people of Redding want jet noise until it gets too loud and they demand the props come back. He then warned me that Southwest is going to start flying to Redding and United and Horizon will lose all their business because they want to fly on jets. Um, ok. Since I was going to the air show the next day I figured I'd find out for myself.
So the next day I hop on the first flight we have to Redding and got in a bit before the show started. Seeing as the terminal is the size of a 7-11, there is no way in HELL Southwest will ever fly to that airport. I think theres a reason there aren't any jets there. Anyway, as my girlfriend and I walk over to the airshow from the terminal it becomes obvious that me brining an Asian chick to Redding has obviously violated some law of god and Baby Jesus is crying in the skies above. Even from the start, long before the masses poured in, it was obvious we were a long ways from the Bay. 400 pound men with beards to their nipples and mustard stained suspenders were making quite the appearance, with wives to match. I don't think I've ever felt so attractive in my life, I think every girl in Manila would have picked me out of that crowd. First off I went to buy a burger from a man in a shirt that said "Got Freedom?". Ok, big deal. Not far from there I encountered some other shirts.
Perhaps more "patriotic" was the shirt with two Huey Helicopters on it that said "Steamed Rice". I felt obligated to buy their creator a beer. As I walked through the thick white and sweaty crowd I wondered if I would see anyone darker than me in the next few hours. But then I came upon a plane with "Jesus is Lord" painted on the tail as it sat proudly on display. If the tail of an airplane isn't for religious propaganda, then it ain't bein' used as the Lord intended damn it.
After watching Rednecks collapse in the 100+ degree heat for a while, I moved on to see what else I could find in what seemed to be a rally before an army of Guerrilla Rednecks waged aerial warfare on San Francisco. Somewhere in the attack, this boat would fit in.
And of course what Huey isn't complete without a Mahican with a mustache and aviators in the pilots seat and a bald eagle soaring on the nose?
But before you know it, the show was starting. At this point I figured it may have been a good idea to bring a lawn chair and sunblock, but hey, worst case scenario I burn my neck a bit and fit in with the locals. I found a spot in the shade under the wing of a Bonanza right at show center next to the announcers booth. Can't say I'm surprised, the Airshow started with a group prayer in which they asked everyone to hold hands. Is that illegal? I always thought so. But hey, this is God's country, and if you ain't in with White America then you can GIT OUT. Or so I figured they'd tell me. I had to laugh, but the people around me quickly took the smile off my face when I feared for my safety. Show kicked off with a Coast Guard demo, the Dauphine did a pass at maybe 60 knots but it was enough to make the rednecks around me jump to their feet, pump their fists, spill their beers, and shout HELL YEAH! Again, I laughed, but was reminded this is serious business. Here is a look at the crowd.
Fueled by "Ice Cold Beer", the redneck in the Chargers get-up was pretty fucking loud. But with chops like that how can ya get mad, he ain't nothin but one of the good ole boys. I scanned the crowd a little longer when I got bored of 10 minutes of a Texan doing barrel rolls to the tune of "Proud to be an American", and what do I find? AN ASIAN WOMAN! And not just an Asian woman, an Asian women wearing the Darth Varder type Welders Mask-ish sunglasses just like home! So we're still in California after all.
The airshow up to this point consisted of Julie Clark, the US Army Golden Knights, a Texan, and a bunch of other stuff all complete with American flags, red/white/blue smoke, and plenty of God talk. I was starting to wish I just took the 1130AM flight up and skipped all this stuff. But then the Harrier takes off. When thing comes screaming over at 300knots, stops, hovers, then flies away again at 300knots, you're a dad gum commie if you don't jizz your pants. It was actually when I went to shoot this picture with my girlfriends shitty point-and-shoot that I realized the whole announcers platform was made on the bed of a truck and connected to the ground with a makeshift latter that was probably stuck to the platform with duck tape. Well HELL YEAH!
Honestly I'm surprised no drunken Rednecks drove off in the truck. Anyway, the Harrier really kicked things off. After that we got an F-16 demo from the USAF ViperEast team. And finally the Blue Angels, who were amazing. Seriously, there is no way to take your eyes off a Blue Angels performance, even when the one hot girl in the airshow walks by with her tits practically hanging out, its your obligation. I gotta hand it to Redding, they put on one hell of an airshow. Way more than I was expecting. Once you get past the fact that nobody in the crowd approves of your existence and you obviously wouldn't last 10 minutes in a local bar, the show isn't bad at all. Though I left the airshow looking like a lobster who spent the past 6 hours masturbating in a tanning bed, I knew I had done my Country proud by attending God's Airshow.
And wouldn't you know it that intellectual I met at the airport the day before would be venturing back to San Francisco on my flight? He seemed to remember me...quickly, and kept glancing at me. If he seriously thought while I sat in that 7-11 sized terminal I agreed it could handle jet service, then...you know what, Redding does need its jets. And those jets are the solders of Jesus Christ who show up once a year to spread fear in the heart of minorities and so the rednecks get their chance to chug down a keg and wave an American Flag and go home and beat up the bus boy at the local eatery who doesn't speak English. And those memories are priceless.
Until next time.
On Saturday September 26, I spent maybe 15 minutes sitting at my gate at work rolling my eyes while a fine citizen of Redding took the 30 minute delay of his flight as an opportunity to lecture me on why Redding needs jet service. I informed the guy the plane he was on had 30 seats yet United was only able to sell 20. He insisted, more or less demanded I should say, that we start flying 737s to Redding, or at least CRJs. Never mind you that the 737s will be gone October 28th, and that some the 50 seat CRJs are close to 20 years old and Horizon flies brand new Q400s with 76 seats into Redding. Oh no, the people of Redding want jet noise until it gets too loud and they demand the props come back. He then warned me that Southwest is going to start flying to Redding and United and Horizon will lose all their business because they want to fly on jets. Um, ok. Since I was going to the air show the next day I figured I'd find out for myself.
So the next day I hop on the first flight we have to Redding and got in a bit before the show started. Seeing as the terminal is the size of a 7-11, there is no way in HELL Southwest will ever fly to that airport. I think theres a reason there aren't any jets there. Anyway, as my girlfriend and I walk over to the airshow from the terminal it becomes obvious that me brining an Asian chick to Redding has obviously violated some law of god and Baby Jesus is crying in the skies above. Even from the start, long before the masses poured in, it was obvious we were a long ways from the Bay. 400 pound men with beards to their nipples and mustard stained suspenders were making quite the appearance, with wives to match. I don't think I've ever felt so attractive in my life, I think every girl in Manila would have picked me out of that crowd. First off I went to buy a burger from a man in a shirt that said "Got Freedom?". Ok, big deal. Not far from there I encountered some other shirts.
Perhaps more "patriotic" was the shirt with two Huey Helicopters on it that said "Steamed Rice". I felt obligated to buy their creator a beer. As I walked through the thick white and sweaty crowd I wondered if I would see anyone darker than me in the next few hours. But then I came upon a plane with "Jesus is Lord" painted on the tail as it sat proudly on display. If the tail of an airplane isn't for religious propaganda, then it ain't bein' used as the Lord intended damn it.
After watching Rednecks collapse in the 100+ degree heat for a while, I moved on to see what else I could find in what seemed to be a rally before an army of Guerrilla Rednecks waged aerial warfare on San Francisco. Somewhere in the attack, this boat would fit in.
And of course what Huey isn't complete without a Mahican with a mustache and aviators in the pilots seat and a bald eagle soaring on the nose?
But before you know it, the show was starting. At this point I figured it may have been a good idea to bring a lawn chair and sunblock, but hey, worst case scenario I burn my neck a bit and fit in with the locals. I found a spot in the shade under the wing of a Bonanza right at show center next to the announcers booth. Can't say I'm surprised, the Airshow started with a group prayer in which they asked everyone to hold hands. Is that illegal? I always thought so. But hey, this is God's country, and if you ain't in with White America then you can GIT OUT. Or so I figured they'd tell me. I had to laugh, but the people around me quickly took the smile off my face when I feared for my safety. Show kicked off with a Coast Guard demo, the Dauphine did a pass at maybe 60 knots but it was enough to make the rednecks around me jump to their feet, pump their fists, spill their beers, and shout HELL YEAH! Again, I laughed, but was reminded this is serious business. Here is a look at the crowd.
Fueled by "Ice Cold Beer", the redneck in the Chargers get-up was pretty fucking loud. But with chops like that how can ya get mad, he ain't nothin but one of the good ole boys. I scanned the crowd a little longer when I got bored of 10 minutes of a Texan doing barrel rolls to the tune of "Proud to be an American", and what do I find? AN ASIAN WOMAN! And not just an Asian woman, an Asian women wearing the Darth Varder type Welders Mask-ish sunglasses just like home! So we're still in California after all.
The airshow up to this point consisted of Julie Clark, the US Army Golden Knights, a Texan, and a bunch of other stuff all complete with American flags, red/white/blue smoke, and plenty of God talk. I was starting to wish I just took the 1130AM flight up and skipped all this stuff. But then the Harrier takes off. When thing comes screaming over at 300knots, stops, hovers, then flies away again at 300knots, you're a dad gum commie if you don't jizz your pants. It was actually when I went to shoot this picture with my girlfriends shitty point-and-shoot that I realized the whole announcers platform was made on the bed of a truck and connected to the ground with a makeshift latter that was probably stuck to the platform with duck tape. Well HELL YEAH!
Honestly I'm surprised no drunken Rednecks drove off in the truck. Anyway, the Harrier really kicked things off. After that we got an F-16 demo from the USAF ViperEast team. And finally the Blue Angels, who were amazing. Seriously, there is no way to take your eyes off a Blue Angels performance, even when the one hot girl in the airshow walks by with her tits practically hanging out, its your obligation. I gotta hand it to Redding, they put on one hell of an airshow. Way more than I was expecting. Once you get past the fact that nobody in the crowd approves of your existence and you obviously wouldn't last 10 minutes in a local bar, the show isn't bad at all. Though I left the airshow looking like a lobster who spent the past 6 hours masturbating in a tanning bed, I knew I had done my Country proud by attending God's Airshow.
And wouldn't you know it that intellectual I met at the airport the day before would be venturing back to San Francisco on my flight? He seemed to remember me...quickly, and kept glancing at me. If he seriously thought while I sat in that 7-11 sized terminal I agreed it could handle jet service, then...you know what, Redding does need its jets. And those jets are the solders of Jesus Christ who show up once a year to spread fear in the heart of minorities and so the rednecks get their chance to chug down a keg and wave an American Flag and go home and beat up the bus boy at the local eatery who doesn't speak English. And those memories are priceless.
Until next time.
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