Masturbation

Spanking the monkey, jacking off, whacking off, playing with yourself, whatever you want to call it. We all do it, we all try new things, and it can be dangerous. I figure if I can save just 1 person who may, by chance, one day, try one of the following things from the pain of doing so, I will have done my job.

First I will bring up the idea of hair conditioner/body wash. Its there in the shower. Who hasn't whacked off in the shower? But have you thought about maybe getting creative with the various bottles in the shower? Hopefully not. But for those who have, be forewarned. You are going to run into 1 of two situations ideally. Either all the holes are too small and you can't find anything bigger, or you fit into one. The danger comes if you fit into one, but barely. Or you aren't at full attention going in and now you're stuck. I have found that all the tugging you can do will be to no avail, and you'll also make a ton of suspicious noise. The best solution to this situation is to man up and set 'er down on the toilet bowl and slam the seat down on it. Yes, it is as painful as it sounds, but erection is gone in no time and you can put the body wash back on the shelf and return to life as a seemingly normal human being.

Next issue, hand sanitizer. I know in my house at least its sitting right there next to the computer. This is NOT to be used as lube. EVER. It goes on great...until it gets near your pee-hole, then it burns like you have been stricken with a sudden and unpleasant STD. No, your right hand hasn't been sleeping around, but rather thats the fact that there is rubbing alcohol inside the sanitizer, and your tally-whacker is full of dirty things. Flush it with water. Its not going to fall off, I promise. If you're adventurous try it for yourself, otherwise, heed my warning.

Forewarned is forearmed. Heed my warnings.